Well, before I get into the meat of this post I need to say that I'd like to think I've spent most of my life trying (emphasis on try) to be a good person and it's just at certain points here or there I've failed miserably, I don't think I'm a bad person all in all. Also, I want to direct any readers to http://alwaysforward-neverstraight.blogspot.com/2011/08/terms-and-conditions.html and http://alwaysforward-neverstraight.blogspot.com/2011/08/disclaimer.html before they start reading.
Well, like I said I've messed up the whole being a good person thing a few times and well, the last couple of days I've had the guilt riding around in my brain for some unknown reason so I'mma gonna go ahead and throw them out into the webs (It's not like I'm not going to mention the names of my victims and from now on if I do have to mention a name in my blog I'll only be using their initials, sure they'll know who they are and their close friends would be able to work it out but they would probably know anything I post on here anyway.
Up until I turned eighteen my arseholishness was pretty much your run of the mill crap, a small lie here, a case of sticky fingers there and well, a rampaging set of arrogance glands (this was mostly 13-15 but it covered a long time frame).
My first piece of true arsehole actually started on my eighteenth birthday with a female friend of a friend I met on the beach party for the end of exams / my birthday. It wasn't long before I was in my first real relationship (the one before that doesn't really count as I was more of an emotional punching bag than a boyfriend) and that's all well and good except: I didn't even tell my parents I had a girlfriend, just "went off to watch movies with friends" which is pretty run of the mill for a self conscious teenager I suppose, even introducing her to my mother as "a friend" when we met down the street. The harshness came after I got back from exchange and after organising to "be back together" was a complete douchebag. See, I left a fairly nice guy with low self esteem and returned "the gods' gift to women" due to some interesting shit that went down whilst a rotary exchanger...
This is when shit got serious and it started just two days into my year in Finland what's more. See, there was this girl who I thought was pretty nice, if shy and socially inept (seeing myself there much?) but quite a few of the other exchangers at the camp were being pretty mean to her due to her trying to make friends. She even leant me her gloves cause my hands were cold. How did I repay this? Well, when she started to have feeling for me I led her on, it made me feel good about myself I must say, having someone want to be with me. I then pretty much promptly forgot about her once I had a real girlfriend that wasn't 300kms away. I did tell her I had a girlfriend, that I wanted to be friends but that was after I had sent dirty messages to her near the end of my exchange. When I was returning to Finland for love # 3 for the first time I told her and said I wanted to meet up. When she found out I had a girlfriend and that was the main reason I was going back her exact words were burned into my mind "I've saved myself for you all this time." She then preceded to delete her IRC-Galleria account, her email and her MSN account. I've wanted to apologise for four years now, I want to know what she's doing with her life but my attempt at detective work (see: internet stalking) have turned up very little. I hope you're happy out there JY.
Next came love # 1, of all the douchebag, arseholish (yes, I'm making this a word, call me Shakespeare) things I've done to people this is probably the worst: a) because she didn't deserve it at all and b) I can't believe I was so emotionally retarded as a teenager. When we were going out I was emotionally abusive, she had her insecurities about liking her friend and well, I did but at that point I loved her so everytime she brought it up instead of doing the right thing I went ahead and made jokes that made things worse, not better. The worst thing though was after she had returned to her home country instead of trying to make things work like she was more than willing to do I blew her off and more than that I insulted her home, talked about my new flings with and even drunkenly blamed her because her old friends didn't want to go out with me. "Goodbye Earl."
Well, in the damn short interim between falling in love again (yeah, that counts too) I had a girl I was crushing on pretty badly (she was a friend of love # 1 and just out of a messy breakup) that I ended up sleeping with (because "that's all I wanted wasn't it?"), a girlfriend who thought I was being faithful and I can only assume was being faithful to me (also a friend of love #1, yeah I was an arsehole to her), a fuckbuddy (who became love #2), the aforementioned girl I was leading on (I can't remember if it was actively or passively at this point) and the girl from back home I mentioned first that I was talking to. That's five women, none of whom deserved this shit.
Then there's love # 2, saying shit like "she's not girlfriend material" to her face then preceding to date her for several months isn't enough? Well I did the worst thing. physically to this poor lass, pounding away with four fingers I looked down, thought for a second, smiled and without warning or change of pace; I made a fist and went for something I'd seen in a movie once. Needless to say she was hurt in a very sensitive area. I look back and still can't believe I did that shit. Also, after breaking up and not seeing each other for years I took her for granted after being thrown out into the street and assumed that she would want to sleep with me in my mental breakdown phase (damn, who could resist?), That and when crashing at her place (a few months after that illfated assumption) I was at a party with her friends and for the first time in my life blacked out. Apparently I said quite a lot of hateful things, she had been pretty mean the preceding week so my subconscious through up all kinds of stuff and I know my subconscious. It would've gone for the jugular.
Love # 3 I met whilst out with love # 1 (before we were going out or really knew her at all) and well, it was what they call love at first sight, at least for me but she lived all the way across the country and was near impossible to get in touch with most of the time so hey, I went ahead and fell in love with someone else (disclaimer time: my feelings were completely sincere, it just amazes me how I could've done this and it's still a douche move). But when I got back to Australia, hey all I could think was "that was love at first sight, I wonder where that could've gone" and pushed and prodded until she flew over to stay with me and my shitty housemate. It all went well until she fell out of love. It took me ages to let go and in the meantime I said some pretty hurtful shit (both to her face and behind her back).
Whilst squatting like a boss I picked up a disease I hadn't even heard of from a Russian and well, it was pretty shit all in all seeing as it wasn't even one of those fun, sexually transmitted ones (though I don't think I would have liked getting one of those from him) but despite my best efforts to kill it whilst there I brought it back to Aus with me. I gave it to my fuckbuddy at the time (disclaimer: I truly thought I was over it at that point) (yeah, fuckbuddy, keeping all kinds of emotionally distant from those you sleep with like a true arsehole should) and I didn't find out whilst we were together. When I did find out because my mate caught it off her (it has a 2 month incubation time) my only reaction was "LAWL, that's what you get for sleeping with dirty tramps." Man I'm an arse.
Oh and one last, short one. I slept with a woman who had a wife and my first thought wasn't "shit, that poor woman, I've just become an adulterer;" it was "Woo, bragging rights, how many of my mates have nailed someone with a wife? Win." Oh and I also dead kennedied which I couldn't really help (drunk, stoned, depressed and having someone say "go on, fuck me like a man does: I defy anyone to not under those circumstances) but it's still a dick move.
Not so forward, not so straight
Alastair Michael
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